1
Write down your ignorance.
Take a question you could answer in four seconds. Write it down. Congratulations: you’ve made it a logistics problem.
“Why do cats knead?” DISRUPTING SEARCH. WITH ENVELOPES.
The world’s
information.
Now with delays.
For people who want answers without the unbearable inconvenience of getting them immediately.
Just $1 + a self-addressed stamped envelope.
Estimated turnaround: 6–8 weeks. By then, you may have stopped caring.
ONE QUESTION$1+ YOUR S.A.S.E.
No WiFi.
Only Why?
Only Why?
GOOGLE BY MAIL
✉
PLEASE ALLOW A WHILE
✉
PLEASE ALLOW A WHILE
A SMALL STEP BACK FOR TECHNOLOGY
Search. Stamp. Sit tight.
Three easy steps. Six to eight character-building weeks.
2
Fund the inefficiency.
Add $1 and a self-addressed stamped envelope. Two envelopes to accomplish what a search bar does for free. Innovation.
Our entire tech stack is available at the post office.3
Receive a historical document.
Someone Googles it, prints it, and mails it back. A computer was still involved. Mercifully, you didn’t have to see it.
By arrival, your question may qualify as nostalgia.YOU’VE GOT SOMETHING BETTER THAN EMAIL
Look how thrilled these people are.
Imagine being this excited about information that was free six weeks ago.
A REVOLUTIONARY PRICING MODEL
An excellent use of one dollar.
The original plan: $1 per question.
Estimated turnaround: 6–8 weeks.
In a hurry? We have monetized your impatience.
- ✓ One question Googled by someone else
- ✓ An answer you can physically misplace
- ✓ Six to eight weeks of suspense, included
- ✓ No cookies. Still somehow being tracked.
THE EVENTUALLY-INFORMED PLAN
$1/ search
+ a self-addressed stamped envelope
The answer you needed today.
In approximately 6–8 weeks.
FOR THE CHRONICALLY CURIOUS
GoogleByMailPlus✦
Can’t wait six weeks to learn whether fish get thirsty? Have you considered paying us more?
Get your answers in 7–10 business days instead of 6–8 weeks. We’ve invented a faster version of slow. It still loses to Google by about 7–10 business days.
Estimated Plus turnaround: 7–10 business days.$9.99/ month
plus postage
FREQUENTLY MAILED QUESTIONS
Questions you could have Googled.
Wait. Is this actually a Google service?+
Nope. GoogleByMail is unaffiliated with or endorsed by Google. Google and its marks belong to Google LLC. We’re just giving their search engine the administrative overhead it clearly lacked.
How long does a search take?+
Estimated standard turnaround: 6–8 weeks. GoogleByMailPlus, just $9.99 a month plus postage, reduces turnaround to 7–10 business days. We call that express. Please stop laughing.
What’s a self-addressed stamped envelope?+
An envelope addressed to you, with a stamp on it, inside another envelope addressed to us. Yes, two envelopes. The internet’s simplicity was clearly getting out of hand.
What happens if I forget the dollar?+
Our accounting department sends a stern letter. Spending postage to recover a dollar is the sort of fiscal discipline you can expect from this operation.
Not real. Yet.
Unless enough of you insist on making this everyone’s problem.
Want GoogleByMail to exist? Join the launch list. If enough people are willing to pay for search results that arrive after the argument is over, we’ll have some deeply concerning decisions to make.
Signing up is free. No subscription or payment. Your email is stored privately for launch updates. We won’t sell it. Unsubscribe anytime.Touch grass.
Then check the mailbox.
The answer is online. We’ve added several unnecessary steps.
The future. Allow 6–8 weeks.